Posted: 05/02/16 20:42
by Dave Mindeman
A story of the future in the Republican United States....
I was doing some shopping at the Mall with my wife. When we got to the food court, I said:
Me: Hey, honey, I need to hit the bathroom, I'll be right back.
Her: OK, I'll check out what's available. Meet you in the back.
So, I head down the corridor and get to the bathroom entrances. For some reason, there is a security officer standing outside. As I approach the Men's Entrance, he holds up his hand.
Officer: Sir, can I see your ID.
Officer: Your ID, I need to see your ID.
Me: Why would you need to do that?
Officer: I have to make sure you are gender compliant.
Me: Gender compliant? What the heck is that about?
Officer: New regulations that took effect today. Only gender compliant males can use the Men's bathroom and only gender compliant females can use the Women's bathroom.
Me: Come on. Isn't it obvious that I am a male. I have facial hair and I dress horribly.
Officer: That is not a gender compliant criteria. Show me some ID.
Me: Oh for Pete's sake.
I pull out my driver's license and hand it to the officer.
Officer: Sorry, this ID is not gender compliant.
Me: What the hell are you talking about? It has my picture and under Sex, it say M for male.
Officer: That is no longer definitive. Do you have your birth certificate on your person?
Me: What? Are you nuts? NO! I do not have my birth certificate.
Officer: I am not appreciative of that attitude sir. I am afraid I cannot let you use this bathroom. Sorry.
Me: Oh come on. I have to pee pretty bad. I assume you do have urinals in there? Come on. I promise not to loiter around and do weird things.
Officer: Sorry, I have my orders.
Me: There must be something we can do.
Officer: Well sir, maybe we can straighten this out if you will come with me to the Gender Compliance Office Area....or GenCom, as we call it.
Me: You are serious aren't you?
Officer: Never more, sir.
Me: OK, but let's make this quick.
Officer: Step through this door and we will get started. What gender do you consider yourself?
Me: I am a male. My wife says I'm a male. And my doctor has me on record as a male. I am a male.
Officer: Do you have a pen*s?
Officer: Do you have a pen*s?
Me: Last I checked, yes. It's a pretty damn good one, too.
Officer: No need for sarcasm. Please drop your pants.
Me: Are you kidding me? Isn't that some kind of a personal violation?
Officer: Just following protocol.
Me: I think my bladder is starting to shrivel. Ah, for Pete's sake, OK, OK.
I unbuckle my pants and let them drop to the floor.
Officer: Now your underwear.
Me: (As I look at the glass windows, I start to see a crowd gather)
Good Lord...can't we do this somewhere a little more private.
Officer: Sorry sir - we have to do this in the open for your own protection.
I turn my back to the window and drop my underwear.
Officer: OK - looks like a pen*s. Little nervous are you?
Me: Don't get funny. Are we done?
Officer: Oh no sir. I need to get my sample kit.
Officer: My sample kit. We have to take a sample.
Me: For God's sake, a sample of what?
Officer: I have to get a pubic hair.
Me: Get a what?
Officer: I have to get a pubic hair and do a DNA test.
Me: Oh good Lord. Are you kidding me?
Officer: Never more serious sir. It is the only way we can be 100% sure. Let me just do a quick pluck.
Officer: Sorry, must have nicked a couple of the little buggers.
The officer takes his tweezer full of pubic hair and places it in a specimen bag.
Officer: OK - as soon as we get the results we can make you gender compliant.
Me: How long will that take?
Officer: Oh, about a half hour.
Me: (a bit agitated) You have got to be kidding me. (As I gingerly dance on my toes back and forth)....I still have to go really bad. How the heck am I supposed to hold it that long?
Officer: Well, there is one other alternative.
Me: Anything...what is it?
Officer: You can get a personal urinal and I'll let you use that in our broom closet.
Me: Personal urinal? Where the heck am I supposed to get that?
Officer: Well, right next door is a store that sells them - UrinalsAreUs. I think they have a modest one for about $39.99.
Me: Oh. My. God. You don't happen to have an interest in that store, do you?
Officer: Not my place to say.
I pull up my pants and run out the door and back down the corridor. My wife looks at me and down at her watch.
She: What the heck took you so long?
Me: DO. NOT. ASK.
I say this as I turn the corner and run into UrinalsAreUs.