Posted: 04/02/14 13:02, Edited: 04/02/14 13:19
by Dave Mindeman
Here is a future scenario based on today's Supreme Court ruling:
Time: In the near future
Place: White House briefing room with press present
Sheldon Adelson strides toward the podium.
ADELSON: Good morning. I called this press conference so that I could help clarify some of the positions of President Gotembytheballs. There has been some confusion of late and I'd just like to clear it up. In regards to online gambling, the President's position is to repeal last year's bill that allows this form of gambling. In addition, we are going to proceed with the new missile plant near Arlington, Texas. We need to keep America strong. Also, Israel has been granted a wing in the Pentagon to coordinate Israeli defenses. Are there any questions?
REPORTER: Some people are saying that the positions you just "clarified" are simply catering to your business needs and policy wants. Do you think that criticism is justified?
ADELSON: Let's be clear. While those policy positions are coincidently my own, they have come about after deep discussion with the cabinet. And since I paid for most of those people to get there, they may have a bias towards the ideas I present. That doesn't mean that these ideas are not good for the American people.
REPORTER: But the administration has made the repeal of online gambling its number one priority. Is that really a necessary position?
ADELSON: Well it is necessary to maintain my wealth and if I do not maintain my wealth, then George Soros' candidate Senator Gotembythethroat might be making policy and the President is not going to let that happen.
REPORTER: But, Mr. Adelman, even the new missile plant is going to be built on land you own and the plant will be operated by a business you own. How is that fair?
ADELSON: It is fair because I have to increase my campaign contributions. President Gotembytheballs' term expires and I need to work on my support for Senator Myfootsuphisass' campaign. We need continuity to make these policies work.
REPORTER: In regards to the Israeli "wing" at the Pentagon - isn't that going to require Senate approval?
ADELSON: Good question. Yes, it will and I am in the process of purchasing my 51st Senator as we speak. I am working in Minnesota to form a coalition with Stanley Hubbard and Bob Cummins to get our candidate IlovePolymet into office. As soon as we get that into place, Senate confirmation shouldn't be a problem. Senate Majority Leader Senator Suckup is doing a great job and will make it happen.
REPORTER: There are rumors that the President is considering dismantling the social safety net. Millions of people will lose government support for their subsitence. Is that true?
ADELSON: Well, I -uh, the President- hasn't made up his mind about that yet. I -um, the President, is looking into all the possibilities. It is a question of how many rich people we need to mollify in order to keep those policies going. After all, the poor don't have a lot of money to fill campaign coffers. We have to make sure the important people are kept happy. The Soros' wing of the government is buying up more political people - well, I mean "capital" - lately and we have to stem that tide.
AIDE TO ADELSON: Sorry ladies and gentleman, that is all we have time for.
ADELSON: Yes, sorry. I have to Jet out to Las Vegas to open a new casino. Finally got those property tax breaks I needed. Governor Whateveryousay in Nevada finally got his act together. I had to threaten to support his opponent State Senator Ilikebribes to get his attention.
ADELSON: Thank you all.
And thank you to the US Supreme Court for making this all possible.